Before It Can Be Wiser.

I look at my mirror
and all my days seem gray
i can feel it all around me
and yet its words....i cannot say

My food,my drink...have lost their tastes
they all seem.....rather bland
and colors all seem faded
lost as they touch my hand

I feel it deep within me
and it eats me...from where it stays
feeling broken down and beaten
as with my heart...it plays.

If i dare....to try and stop it,
i know i try in vain
if i smile and try to avoid it,
my soul....it would choose to stain.

So i conceal it with conceit
and put on my heart... a seal
hiding it by many masks
i cannot let it feel.

So in my thoughts i live each day
i leave behind....all that lingers
watching over the world...in absence
as sand slips through my fingers

They tell me... time is a healer
and this...i hope is true
for these wounds run deep within me
and im afraid theyve....gone right through

Her smile is my only solace
and to my memory...it ties her.
so...how many times must a heart break
before it can be wiser ?.

-By Rahul Thomas

love the ans ...or the problem?

i was looking back on my past loves.....my love of life.....and stuff i had.... done...and not done for those loves...or in spite of those loves.....and found my self getting rather confused.....this emotion has got to be one of the greatest paradoxes that have ever existed....and I'm talking about....in forever and ever....and that's a really long time...


So the purpose of this article is too dissect love.....for better o worse....:D....yes read on dear people ...for you are about to see something rather special....my humble take on this rather....deep...and misunderstood emotion.


What is love?.....when i was smaller.......i used to think it was more along the lines ...or boy meets girl....girl meets boy....they fall in love....and live happily ever after.....when i got a little older....this wasn't quite....well...er... exactly the case.....boy meets girl....boy falls in love....girl says "hell no!!"....and boy learns tough love....yes the world is a cruel place.....but moving past my obvious smooth as sandpaper approach to women...and wounded manhood\ego........i learned i wasn't the only one confused....in fact...there are books....poems....that dictate and elaborate its intricacies... there are entire industries based on it......billion dollar industries obsessing over this emotion...what it means....how complicated it can get....how to get it......and generally just making money of the drama it creates in peoples lives.


You have people telling you what you should do...should n do....what you should say....how you should dress.....how you should walk, talk....the psychology behind the approach...the anxiety....and I'm like.....arrrrgh....when did all this get so complicated.....our ancestors just banged each other on the head with clubs and did it...that was love......and even back then....for them.....it probably seemed ridiculously complicated.


Now as complicated as all this seems....the truth is....its only a small part of it.....in fact....its not even the surface of this emotion....not even close...


John Lennon once said:


"We've got this gift of love, but love is like a precious plant. You can't just accept it and leave it in the cupboard or just think it's going to get on by itself. You've got to keep watering it. You've got to really look after it and nurture it"


Now he was talking about real love.....and real love is hard work.....its an understanding......its not about the chocolate....the gifts.....and all that stuff in between...that's been commercializing it....its the love between the a mother and a child.....its unconditional.....its that feeling when your with a friend who understands you....its that feeling of being connected....even though...your miles away....from someone you care about....its love for your country...all this being said...even if i tried...there is just... no way i could list them all.....but i do know its......its often found....in the things we take for granted everyday....and that's Lennon's message......you need......realize its there.....all around you.... then learn to care for it....nurture it....and in time it'll grow....though...in ways you might not fully understand.


That being said.....love also has a much darker side to it....which is often ignored...mainly because it isn't as pleasing as its counterpart...its pushed aside......but like two sides of a coin....or the opposite sides of a magnet...one isn't complete without the other........for each pulls in a different direction...... making this emotion ....what it....truly is.


For love....with its ability to truly mesmerize us....and make our lives seem....a lot less ordinary.....often also brings out the worst in us.....wars have been fought...people have died.....families separated....each event....fueling this horrific tale.....of one love being sacrificed for another......where our anger,jealousy.....indecision,confusion.....all leave their trails of destruction .....and yet....we stand mystified by it........drawn in by this profound illusion that the world is a better place....because our actions were done......in love.....an emotion mind you.....has no bounds when it comes to bringing people together....or ripping them apart entirely....


So all this being said....is love the ans?...can love truly conquer all?....bring about world peace?and an understanding of humanity?.....in my opinion.....no...i believe love changes the world everyday...but not in ways...we think it should....it has no master....but never the less....we all need love.......we need it....to justify our own methods....we need it....to justify our existence....for even happiness doesn't become real....unless it is shared....we need love to be able to share our lives.......even if it is in pain....for even pain can be shared.....and that's what its all about....sharing...


The true purpose of love....no matter how you look at it......to let us know....we are not alone....that we are all connected somehow.......and because we know this.....and can take comfort in it.....we ignore....its evils.....for they are necessary in the great scheme of things......just like we know....the same gravity that holds us to the planet....that keeps us from floating out into space..... is also the same gravity that dented newtons skull....so love isn't the ans....nor....is it the problem......it is merely a facilitator of existence.


as for our troubles....


a great french philosopher.....once said....


."rather than love,fame,fairness,wealth,....give me truth."


and it is truth....not love....that will change our circumstances.

All Is As It Should Be....

i find my self starin at a blank wall and yet...for some strange reason i find myself so completely amused....as i travel to those deep spaces in the back of my mind....to that dark place where you dont really know up from down...where everything is a blur...and yet....all is as it should be.....

and as strange as it probably sounds to you.....there will come a point in your life....where you will learn of this place again...for this place is not new...it had only been forgotten......a place...where there is no wrong or right....and where morality,reality.....seem altogether twisted....hidden by lies you've fed yourself to keep your own conscience at bay.

and yet....all is as it should be.....this is a dangerous place....where even the ideal tend to falter.... it is in this Grey area...that you truly lose yourself....and in doing so....are reborn.

refreshed...by a new understanding....of what it means to be human....what it means to share a life......to need....and be needed.....to just let go......and live in the mystery of this experience...rather than fear it....to accept our differences as individuals......and to learn from them....rather than to condemn them.

but this is no new truth....people have spoken about it for eons....and yet...we choose to remain...why?

cause ironically.... the very people on the path to enlightenment.....are unknowingly the same....that stop this understanding from becoming a reality......and unfortunately this process will continue indefinitely....as it has for centuries....

so if you find yourself lost at some point in your life.......know that....... all is as it should be.


the truth...unlike fiction.....does not have to make sense.

the dilemma of change and relationships

today morning despite being a complete waste of my time....actually gave way to a pretty interesting discussion....that may have life changing implications.....ooooo....ahhhh

change and relationships









i was watching a movie the other day....equilibrium....its was about how the world had to suppress emotion through a drug called prozium....cause people could n be trusted with their emotions....as they led to violence and hate....which eventually destroyed the world.

there were also these other people who refused to take the drug...known as "sense offenders".. .the disagreement then sparked the revolt under which most of this movie revolved around...according to the sense offenders....getting rid of emotions..though solving a major problem.... also meant getting rid of a lot of other things such as compassion....joy...sorrow....and all such emotions that made them human....and individuals in their own right.

but what struck me was what one of the main characters said....

"in order for others to enjoy the privilege of emotion....there are a few of us who have to give it up"

and this sent me on a whole new line of thought....

as a person...a citizen of earth...i have never really been content about the way things were going....wars, poverty....all stemming from an educational system....that requires some serious revamping.

which i intend to do something about...cause it must be done...and no one seems stepping up to do anything about it.

it is a known fact that those in power rarely have many rewarding relationships with the people around them...none of the greats have ever mentioned their loving family life....even Gandhi was never a real father to his own son....and i guess that's why the prospect of changing the world is so neglected....cause it calls for someone to take up a higher self.....who has the courage and the foresight to do what is required...when it is required....and in the process make some immense sacrifices for the benefit of tomorrow.....forgoing your own personal happiness.

....and i know....if i am to go the path i want to......there are going to be some really hard sacrifices that i would have to make....through the people i might disappoint..like family or....friends...and so on.

the other extreme.....is to be completely involved with self fulfillment....and enlightenment.....which means forgoing the world itself in return for universal understanding...and eternal happiness.

the middle however...is the path most chosen....a balance between the two...which never really reaches anywhere....but is a balance between the two....where attributes of the extremes meet....working and pulling in opposite directions....till it eventually levels off in the middle..

eg....you could forgo some of your own happiness for your children s benefit.....but at the same time are able to create and nurture relationships....as well as have time to get back to your self.

history however remembers those who are brave enough to venture to either one of the extremes.

do i want fulfilling relationships....yes....do i want to change the world .....yes.....can i have both....?i dont think you could...but....that is the essence of this dilemma.

i know...it is human nature to want it all....but something is only as valuable as the sacrifices made in attaining it....something that is easy to attain looses its value....and is plain and mundane...now with that in mind i want you to consider a life....in terms of its value.

how could you measure the value of a mans life....

i say

"the life of a man is measured by all those who've measured their lives by his".

so what path will i take....?....will i be like the sun? there....to burn and fade away?....or will i be like the red giants....that burn only for a short while but are forever remembered as they go out in a super nova....paving the way for new creation....

kurt cobain the lead singer of nirvana once said...."it is better to burn out....than to fade away"


maybe theres some truth in that....but is it worth the cost?.....to be remembered as a legend among those whove never known you personally....or a hero in the eyes of the few who really matter to you?....to change the world....to make it a better place for everyone?or leave the world to its own devices...tolerating its excuses?

if you could change the world.....if you really knew how......would you leave the thought behind....hoping that the next person....would eventually figure it out and do it?

could you take that chance?

could you sleep at night.....knowing that you could have changed this world....and yet stood idle and watched it burn?

history answers that question....we are agents of our own destruction....and we are completely oblivious to it....until it starts affecting us adversely.Only in hindsight do we see the error of our ways....we are not rational creatures....we are rationalising creatures....we analyse events after they happen....rather than before they happen.

only a handful.....have done differently....giving everything for a better tommorow....which we take for granted.

i dont know what the future brings.....but i do know now.......that when i go out.....id like to go out....like the giants that changed the course of history....and made my world a better place.

Hollow Roses

the world sees the mask
and it is at peace
the withered leaves and thorns ignored
its beauty never ceased.

no one can see the pain
for it is hidden
the heart of the hollow rose bleeds
but to say so.... is forbidden.

we live in silence
slaves to time
we live in our own memories
lives that intertwine.

we know this much
but it still plagues us so
to leave this mask behind
and our true face to show

we will grow old together
and yet die alone
never really understanding
never really being known

if we could only live from within
and much less from without
we would indeed be happier
yes without a doubt.

-Rahul Thomas.

arranged marriages.....hmmmm

In case the title hadn't given it away i thought id take a moment to ponder and ramble on a little tradition of ours......arranged marriages.



(i thought..id...play my tiny violin...just to add a little mood music)

its funny that....in our "modern" society.....where we boast about our advances in technology...and cultural understanding...that the country with supposedly some of the most intelligent people on the planet....er.....hmm....or well......maybe....just the most people on the planet......we've reduced the romance.......that poets have spent their whole lives contemplating to .........the size of someones bank account....and face value.

["i think that i shall never see
a bank account as lovely as thee
with your numbers and your many zeros
you truly are....my hero

i have searched far and wide
for someone with joint checking to abide
my parents tell me....were meant to be
i guess its destiny."]

(a little something of my own making)

but when i think about it....for a country who's people used to choose their professions like... inee minee minenee mo...your an engineer,doctor or accountant

........it wouldn really be hard to understand why another one of life's most imp decisions
would obviously require the exact same skill and tact...

but marriage...today....seems more like your average trip to the supermarket..i mean...think about it.....when you buy a product...you check out the date of manufacture,..whos the manufacturer?is it a brand name?does it have adequate after sale service?...are there any special offers?...is the product defective?does it look good?

.....(talk about the other extreme of the idealized version huh :D).....its funny how....seemingly deeper more important qualities are left to chance...id like to think those would seem more important...

questions like

....what car does he drive?....where would he live?....how much does he earn?....whats his skin color?....are they a well to do family?is his right toe bigger than his left one?

....for some twisted reason seem more important than..

..is he well mannered?...does he respect women?.....would he genuinely care for her?....does he like wearing women s clothing?is his idea of fun farting in public?...is the woman outgoing?is she caring?does she have a sense of humor?does she seem stuck up?does she grow weed in her backyard?....

then again...im sure.....that the family only wants whats best for the girl or guy involved...er...um...superficially...atleast....you know what i really think....i think.....the family only really wants whats best for the family....the opinions of the people involved hardly ever matter much....its more like a game of marital monopoly really...only the number of players rolling the dice are more than there should be.....and theres also a pretty good chance that none of them are either the bride or the groom.

.....the only real question....would be asked.....after the twenty minute meeting between the two to be wed....and the question being...

".do you feel repulsed by them?" (i kid you not....that was the question my aunt asked my cousin sister just before she was made to choose the guy she was supposed to spend the rest of her life with).

(as if you could be repulsed by a person, whos supposed to be on his\her best behavior..having not known them before....in less time than it takes to make a decent cup of coffee..)

....if your not completely repulsed by them....you could indeed spend the rest of your life with them...lol(..how completely bizarre is that really?...i wouldn even buy a shirt unless i actually liked it....leave alone contemplate whether.... i wasn't completely feeling repulsed by it...

"i dont completely hate it.....so itll do....i guess"

i heard marriage was hard....and now i know why....you spend the first half tolerating the person.....and the rest contemplating the phrase...till death do us part.

As unfortunate as the concept of an arranged marriage seems to me rite now......and im sure to a great many people out there...a real pain in the arse....

.....In the Indian context it is in fact "the holy grail".....and is seen as the reward for all those unfortunate men...who've spent most of their adult lives behind their books.....worrying about money....a kind of modern day light at the end of a very very long tunnel....a sort of compensation that they expect from their parents.....in return for everything they were expected to do and put through....as responsible adults\children......while everyone else was living out their younger years.

"ah....your 30 now...my baby is all grown up.....now its time to pass on the torch....to another capable independent woman...who follows instructions and listens to every word i say..."

(sometimes im not sure....whether any of us are really ever....fully allowed to grow up)

as much as i hate the concept of an arranged marriage for.... damaging peoples understanding of the depth and range of emotions involved in such a commitment...beyond its financial implications....and.....the sheer number of people who are suffering as a result of it......ill have to admit.... it is....in our country an unavoidable unchangeable equalizer..(i say equalizer....cause all other factors would eventually melt down to financial security)....and is probably and unfortunately gonna be there for a while....especially in our country...not because its the right way of doing it....but because it is easier.....and relies on factors that are logically and quantifiably measurable.....and easier to control.....than of those that aren't...(and also i find its because tradition dictates so....and living outside tradition would affect the reputation of the family..which is a very important factor in the arranged process)....but the factors that are often outside your control....are also often the most important....and could decide the course of the marriage for better or worse...i think its important to remember that.


In the end....i guess it all depends on whether your a conformist..willing to listen and do everything being told to you...in the hopes that maybe other people know better than you do.....or willing to take a chance.....question tradition...or maybe just question in general...from your own point of view....your own thoughts...and preferences....rather than someone Else's...

i say....keep questioning....you might just learn something new.

- Rahul Thomas

I don’t feel pain


The loss of a loved one is a scary thing
Yet all I want to do is laugh and sing
And although this might seem a little more than plain
I can assure you I am perfectly sane

The passing of the soul into the realm of the unknown,
Is something beautiful and should be shown
for i believe it is something romantic
And quite far from something tragic.

But the more I think about it
the more I find
That loss is indeed a teacher
However unkind.

Cause If loss wasn’t such an ugly affair
people wouldn’t really learn to care
They wouldn’t cherish the little things
And all the joys life with it brings

They wouldn’t be content with lives they lead
And may never really understand what it is they need.
So the way I see it we have much to gain
And that is why
I don’t feel pain...


- By Rahul Thomas.